When John and I had our first child nearly 6 years ago, I went through an identity crisis. I was accustomed to 50 hours a week in the prayer room. Suddenly I could barely stay awake for 10 minutes of prayer in the hiddenness of my own home. For one year, the Lord allowed me to experience massive inner turmoil, because He saw the healing that would come at the end of it. Every day of that year I was torn between feeling such delight in mothering our child and a condemning sense that I was no longer wholehearted because I could not join in the corporate life of prayer like I used to. The accusation came from within—absolutely no person told me I was a failure. It surfaced out of wrong and wounded ideas about God. And it was energized by a religious spirit of torment.
The biggest breakthrough came when I repented of idolatry of the heart: Appearing wholehearted had become more important to me than actually being wholehearted. I was worshipping images of devotion rather than the Recipient of devotion.
Matthew 6 became the bread of life to me in that time because there Jesus defines wholeheartedness differently than we tend to:
Take heed that you do not do your charitable deeds before men, to be seen by them. Otherwise you have no reward with your Father in heaven. Therefore when you do a charitable deed, do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do…that they may have glory from men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. But when you do a charitable deed… [let it be] in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly (verses 1-4).
“Your Father who sees in secret…” God’s not measuring the appearance of righteousness, only the reality of it. He actually sees in secret… every movement of my heart for Him that is never seen or affirmed, every choice to serve others instead of serving myself, each prayer that comes from my heart whether it’s on a microphone or not… He sees in secret. Who am I in secret—when no one’s looking or applauding?
“Do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do…that they may have glory from men… They have their reward.” Sometimes when I find myself living for man’s praise rather than God’s, I say to myself something like this: Now that you’ve been applauded, do you feel better? Aren’t you glad you had 1 minute of feeling awesome! But it ends there. What’s unto man ends with man. But what’s unto God is never forgotten and rewarded forever. Had that deed been done unto God, it could have been reward which you experienced for all eternity, but rather you traded it for a minute of man’s praise! From now on, live for Your Father’s smile!
“[He] will Himself reward you openly…” Jesus promises the Father will reward those who live before Him in secret. And He promises to do it “openly”—in front of others—because the soul’s desire for justice and reward is a trace of God’s own image stamped upon us. The longing to be affirmed is legitimate. The question is simply: Who do I want affirmation from, God or man? If man, then I may strive to attain it, but my reward ends there.
That day I repented from living before man’s eyes, something like a bronze ceiling broke open over my heart. I felt my love could fly into the heavens, right into the heart of Him for whom I was made. Now every moment mattered. Now no service was too small. Now each day became a love song I could sing in a thousand different ways. What a glorious way to live—to know we are gazed upon and cherished in secret. And to know that He is storing up reward that will never wear out!
“The Lord knows the days of the upright, and their inheritance shall be forever.” (Ps. 37:18)
“Oh, how great is Your goodness, which You have laid up for those who fear You…!” (Ps. 31:19)
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